Photo Rambles
By P.G. Ramblings
Photographic Techniques With A Little Light Relief

Processing Techniques
One day while working in the darkroom with my missus, things started out negative but soon I was enlarging. As it started to develop, I told her we should stop before we got into a fix, but she said it would all come out in the wash. Black & White photographic processing summarized... why, what the **** were you thinking?

Focusing Techniques
There were these two gorgeous blonde sisters Madge and Gladys who were going to get a portrait taken of themselves as they had just got their first pay cheques. So the pair of them went of to the studio and after the photographer gets his camera and lights set up he tells Madge to sit still because he had to focus.
Well, Gladys being out of hearing says, "What'd he say Madge?"
And Madge replies, "He said don't move 'cause he's gonna focus!"
Gladys looks surprised and says, "What!!! Both of us?"

Baby Photography Techniques
The Browns were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Brown kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon"
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale
"Good morning, Missus", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Brown cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know I'm a baby specialist?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try a couple in the bathtub, some on the couch, and perhaps a few on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor can be fun. You can really get spread out there"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Sean and me!"
"Well, Missus, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Brown
"Missus, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd really love to be in and out in about five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed if it was all over that quickly"
"Oh well I don't know... me and Sean... my husband... that's about... No you're right, I would be disappointed" said Mrs Brown thoughtfully
Just then, the photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus" he said, showing her the first photograph
"Oh my God!" Mrs Brown exclaimed, grasping at her throat
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well... especially when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Brown
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around ten deep to get a better look"
"Ten deep!!!" exclaimed Mrs Brown, her eyes wide with amazement
"Oh Yes" the photographer continued "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling... I could barely concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in and call it a day"
Mrs Brown leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... your equipment?"
"Oh yes, Missus, they did that. Well anyway, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away"
"Tripod?"
"Oh aye, Missus. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hands for very long"
Hearing that, Mrs Brown fainted and keeled over.

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